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A DIVORCE AVOIDANCE GAME PLAN

I have been practicing law for almost 50 years. In that time I have seen our Country go through many changes. I believe in very important ways our country has suffered declines.

The divorce rate and break up of families I suggest is one of the major reasons for the decline of the United States.  I am hopeful, with G-D’s help, to be able to show you steps that are simple in concept, a little difficult in execution, to reverse this terrible tread. 

Those who know me know I have made part of my living representing people in their divorce cases.  Over the years in my practice and those of other lawyers, I observed that in a lot of the cases the divorces could have been avoided.  Most of the time neither party knew what to do to try to work things out. 

The lawyers did not help and in many instances inflamed the problem by supporting their client’s hurt feelings.  

I am not talking about the cases of extreme emotional and physical abuse, alcohol, and drug addictions, adultery, incest, or where the relationship is truly incompatible and should be ended; I am speaking about the divorces that take place because marriage takes a lot of work and people do not know how to change the course of their married life to make it worthwhile.

It is proven by virtually all of the studies that married couples enjoy life more and live longer healthier lives than single people.  A family provides the learning ground for children who do better in school and are able to establish healthy relationships.

The job of every person is to live their life to the fullest. 

Within a family unit that is growing emotionally and spiritually, the adults and children can develop the living skills that lead to productive and joyous lives. Restore the family unit, and you start to restore an important foundation of this country.  I am going to give you ideas to explore and I encourage your responses and questions.

Between men and women, men have it easier in life. No doubt some of you do not agree with what I just said.  Men do not have to face the risk of childbirth.  That alone proves my point.  But there is even more.

Women do most of the heavy lifting in raising children.  Raising children is her job number one and is very time-consuming. This fact also makes a mother the most important person in the world.  Adolph Hitler and Albert Schweitzer both had mothers. 

Do not ever underestimate the effect of the first three years of life a mother has on a child.  Yes, fathers are important but not in the same way when a baby is held and nursed by his/her mother. The effect on a child of a happy mother during this period cannot be overstated.

Men have a job. The job is called the three A’s- appreciation, attention and affection. Remember men a happy wife will mean a good life.  We will talk more.

The answer is in many forms.  The game plan is to stop divorces as that will make the United States a better country. 

As we have previously said, it is recognized that some marriages should be ended.  It is the right course of action for all concerned.  We are not trying to reach those unfortunate families; we are talking about ideas to be considered before you marry and how to make your marriage better. 

Consider the following:

Be Realistic

Be realistic and do not expect your marriage will make you superman or superwoman.  Marriage is what you make of it, not what it makes of you.  

Marriage is going through life together, instead of alone.  Success can be defined as how well we deal with our problems.  We all have them.  Marriage will not stop problems. Work hard to get over your personal problems before you get married.

When married recognize who you are and be realistic with expectations.   Have dreams, of course.  Make realistic goals to reach and be fair with your spouse.

Do not disrupt the routine of marriage

No matter the problems, continue your lives together.  As the problems are solved you will be drawn closer. 

If the problem is between you two, do not, no matter what, change the marriage routine.  Professional help could be something that is considered if the problem does not seem to be getting better. But continue the routine. 

If there is violence then the matter is out of control and professional intervention is needed.  We are talking about non-violent situations.

No matter what the issue between you, solve it

Take a break.  Think about things.  This is how you figure out what needs to be done to bring peace to the relationship.

When things are peaceful, sit down and in very calm terms point out the issue you had and see if there is some agreement you can make that will bring some resolution.  But do not break the peace you made. 

If you are fair, your spouse, if fair, will want to please you on your point. Remember a long-standing quarrel becomes an illness and hardens attitudes.

No matter what, never say the word divorce

Do not open the door to potentiality.  Words themselves can create realities.  Do not use the word divorce. 

If the word is used, then professional advice should be sought how too properly and equitably end the marriage. Zero tolerance here.

Be loyal

Nothing kills love more than disloyalty.   Do not get yourself into a complicated lifestyle.  It will make you feel guilty and you will be impossible for your spouse.  You will be found out and will lose everything. 

Loyalty also means do not reticule your spouse.  Do not embarrass your spouse. Henny Youngman jokes about your wife are just not appropriate.  Laughing at yourself is appropriate.

If you and your spouse are in the situation of fidelity disloyalty, you need to seek professional help.

Never say that you hate the other person

When you say I hate you, the best analogy of what takes place in a marriage relationship is like breaking a plate.  You can put it back together, but it is not the same as it was.  

Do not say to your spouse she is ugly (you can say the situation is ugly) as that will ruin any chance to make peace.   This part can be so important if you want to retain romance in the relationship. 

Romance can go a long way.  It is like putting money in a bank account for a rainy day.  What you build up in romance can help make up for a lot of the mistakes you are going to make in the relationship.  

No need, no benefit, no good conduct to say I hate you or you are ugly.

Love your wife as you would like her to love you

Talk about marriage being a spiritual relationship!  You shall not have any animosity towards your spouse. 

It has been said, “A small transgression against your spouse, repeated a number of times, is like taking thin cords and twisting them together until they finally become a heavy rope.” That is how serious it is to repeat an action against your spouse. 

I have experienced this part myself both on the receiving and delivering ends.  If you want to stop the receiving, you must stop what you are doing. 

The cure is you stop your action at once.  When you are on the receiving end, you sit down and say, “I am not doing what you do not like; would you please do the same on what I do not like.”

If you have stopped, it is a very good chance she will take up the challenge.   If both of you stop the offending conduct, within a very short period of time both sides will get what they want and you will have a happy wife and a good life.

Display your regard for your mate

Give your spouse credit for what he or she does.  If a guy is working at his capacity, be grateful for what you have and stop complaining about what you do not have.

The same is true about being grateful and acknowledging that your wife is the best woman in the whole world  —  she is the best.  She is putting up with you, gives you children and keeps a house.  Gentlemen, it is the best deal there is.

Maintain your appearance

This is a big one.  Gulp, the endless fight.  But when your wife is planning proper meals, making sure you work out and keep up our appearance, it is a gift beyond investigation.  Love yourself.  Take care of yourself.  When you love and take care of your self you can better love your spouse.

Be a Man, not a Tyrant

A tyrant is an insecure person who never grew up and has to control everything.  A man has it better and he can afford to be considerate and giving.  Try “yes dear I will do it” or agree. 

If there is a real good reason not to agree, then be man enough to explain it to your spouse. Being a man includes taking care of your spouse.  Do whatever you need to do to have a peaceful home.

Portrait style photo of Robert L Pitler

Robert L. Pitler

Senior Attorney

Call me 303-758-2221

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